clown apocalypse Archives -

Avoid the Halloween Clown Apocalypse: How to Fight Back Ten Ways

You know that creepy clowns have gone mainstream when NPR is writing articles about them. We have always known that clowns were ghoulish, but now they seem to be everywhere. If you don’t believe me, here’s Coulrophobics Beware: America’s Creepy Clown Problem Continues.

There you are in your pirate costume, with your plastic sword and up pops a terrifying clown! What do you do? Here are some ideas.

Use Confetti

You’ve heard of fighting fire with fire, but what about fighting clowns? For this battle, you’ll need pies, confetti, and squirting daisies. Anything less will not do.

Scare Them Back

Like fighting a mountain lion, you must puff yourself up and look bigger in order to fight a creepy clown. Think big shoes and droopy pants and you’ll be a winner in the FrightFest!

When you know you're going to see this meme for the next month. #PhelpsFace pic.twitter.com/N3axBEK0hI

— M.A.Larson (@M_A_Larson) August 9, 2016

Don’t Engage

Like certain presidential candidates, making eye contact could just make it worse. If you can walk on by, do so! However, if you must make eye contact, make it powerful and intimidating. Think Phelps Face!

Chain Saws

Make sure they’re the gas-powered kind. If you have to plug in your electric chain saw, you’re only going to elicit laughter. And for Krusty’s sake, practice before you use one!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwbnvkMRPKM

The Funniest Joke in the World

If you know the Funniest Joke in the World, now would be the time to tell it. Perhaps the clown will die laughing. Use this as a last resort, though.

Run Away

This works for many people. All you need are good sneakers and the willingness to run like hell. Simple, yet effective.

Don’t Post Where You Are on Social Media

Do NOT say that you have THREE HUGE BAGS of chocolate bars and you’re out trick-or-treating and post a picture of yourself on Twitter in front of a street sign with a hashtag of #yummy.

Cue from the Walking Dead

Take a Cue from the Walking Dead

What Would Carol Do? She’s my favorite character on the Walking Dead. Put that on your bracelet or bumpersticker and then act accordingly.

Hide Under a Rainbow Wig

Realize that your fear of clowns is probably worse than the clowns themselves. As this CNN story indicates, “the easiest explanation is that there really are a bunch of creepy clowns out there hell-bent on some nefarious end. Call it Occam’s Rubber Nose.” (Hilarious, right?)

Ok. Maybe that’s not realistic.

Check the Interactive Map of America’s Creepy Clown Epidemic

Have there been many clown sightings? How many in your area? Of course, it’s 2016 and you can check the map! Yes, you can. Here is the Interactive Map of America’s Creepy Clown Epidemic. I know: whoa.

How Will You Fight Back?

Since it’s a question of not IF clowns will try to take over the country, but WHEN they’ll try to take over, how will you defend yourself?