The Legend of Black Friday

The Fear of Missing Out

Once upon a time, in a mall not so far away, there lived a monster known as Black Friday. Each year, the people did as the beast demanded, sacrificing precious time with their families and experiencing the Fear of Missing Out.

Initial Recon: First Infantry

The Fleeting Mutant

As elusive as Sasquatch, the beast could only be spotted once a year. To make matters more intriguing, everyone in every village across all the land knew the power of the mutant.

Outrunning the Beast

Opt To Be Outside

People across the great nation followed the monster, thinking that the monster would lead them to a treasure trove. How were they to know that #OptOutside was trending, and they should be outdoors to improve their productivity? Outdoors away from the mall, that is.

The Early Martyrs

The Early Martyrs

The early martyrs, unaware of the coming forces, would be unable to deter what would eventually overwhelm the country. They would stand in line for hours, braving the elements, sometimes in tents, cots, and sleeping bags.

The Monster Enchanted Its Unwary Victims

The Monster Enchanted Its Unwary Victims

Striking on Thanksgiving Eve at 6 pm, the monster would enchant its unwary victims. The luckiest of the victims would barely make it to their cars to get to the mall–while still holding a forkful of pumpkin pie.

Mesmerized by “Sale” Signs

Mesmerized by “Sale” Signs

In other villages, the beast would not appear until midnight or sometimes 5 am the following morning. Shoppers would find themselves in the crosshairs of the behemoth, not even able to take their eyes off the “Special Sale” signs.

In any event, many were abandoned by their families that day.

Thanksgiving Holiday Online Shopping, via Graphiq. 

People Began to Wake Up

Gradually, people began to realize that they would rather surf online in their bathrobes than camp outside in the cold. Retailers were happy that they could still sell their wares online.

The End of the Beast?

The End of the Beast?

The beast turned out to be an adorable labrador retriever. He was adopted by a childless couple from Poughkeepsie, and spoiled rotten. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.