Bad Social Media Manager Secrets

Your startup just got started up. Everything’s going great. The only problem is your social media has stalled. Or you have 3 Twitter followers and your avatar is still an egg! You spend all your time fixing software bugs, and by the end of the day, you’re exhausted. Who has time for Tweeter, Faceplant, and Pinteresting? Not to mention GooglePlex and Instacramp? Not you, that’s for sure!

Note: I’m exaggerating–most startup managers are knowledgeable about these platforms, just not all of them.

You already know the attributes of a good social media manager, but do you know how to find a terrible social media manager? Here are some ideas to get you started.

Cutting-Edge Technology

Ask your friends down at Bernie’s Bar if they know anyone who’s bought a computer lately, and more importantly, knows what a computer is.  Two thumbs up if the computer comes with a keyboard. Make sure they have a CompuServe account. Write them a letter and ask them to Fax them your resume.

Massive Followers

Make sure your new best friend claims they can get you 20,000 followers the first week. Never mind that they are bots they bought. Numbers are what matter for “social proof.”

Addictions

Recruit People with Addictions

Recruit people with active addictions because they’re so interesting! They’ve got the best stories, that’s for sure. Double points if your social media manager likes to “drunk tweet!”

Me, Me, Me

Ensure that your new manager only ever talks about himself. 98% of the posts should be about the business. This includes Direct Messages that say “FOLLOW US ON FACEBOOK!” ALL IN CAPS.

Inflammatory Content

Your new manager should love political diatribes, sexist jokes, and be xenophobic: the trifecta of a bad manager!

Ask Favors

Get a manager who’s always asking others with good followings for favors–such as retweets, shares, and unfounded testimonials.

Many Internet Identities

Maintain Many Identities Across the Interwebz

Your manager should have lots of fake identities all over the interwebz, so all your “fans” can give you constant good reviews. There is no downside to this strategy, and it will never backfire!

Sporadic Posting

Your manager should post all at once one day a week and not spread out the posts throughout the week.

Never Thank Anyone

Good manners are prehistoric!  It goes without saying that people know you’re grateful. Your manager doesn’t actually have to thank anyone.

Huge Advance

Make sure that the person wants a huge advance before doing any work or explaining any strategy. Because what could go wrong?

Account Control

Your new friend should have absolute control over the passwords and domains. They never need to show you your passwords unless you give them a big pile of money. And be sure to give them your credit card number!

What Are Some of Your Favorite Worst Practices?

Have any secrets that I missed?