Recently, I had an issue with the speed of my Internet service. The issue was: Speed = NOT. So I called my Internet provider. Let’s call them BL&T. 9:30 p.m.: I call BL&T to explain my problem. They say someone will get back to me within 30 minutes and to stay off the phone. So I stay off the phone. (Of course, I guess in case Old Mrs. Persnickety needs the party line to call Doc Crotchety about her lumbago.) 10:30 p.m.: No call from BL&T so I decide to call it a night.
The Next Day
The next morning, BL&T still haven’t called. So I do what any self-respecting, awesome social media manager does: find their customer service on Twitter and send a tweet.
I get a nice and polite reply back, very quickly.
At this point, I put down the biodegradable spork I am using to stab myself repeatedly in the eyeball. 9:45 a.m.: The BL&T technician calls me, saying he’s on his way over. About 20 minutes later, he knocks on my door, very politely covers his feet with shoe covers, and looks at the router. After looking at the inside setup, he sees that there’s nothing wrong inside my place, so he goes outside to examine the exterior of the building. He comes back.
My Interwebz No Workie
He goes to examine the box on the phone pole, which is a distance away (I’m not sure where, exactly). At this point, I’m not angry with the technician, but it’s frustrating because I use the Internet a lot. (As in, how much ice cream would you eat if there were no downside? Answer: ALL OF IT a lot. That’s the definition of how much I need, love, and want the Internet. Which I’m sure you were dying to know because I’m just that fascinating. And humble. And not at all loquacious.) Also: I’ve been out of the office for 3 days and am slammed with tweets which have piled up higher than my head.
Let me digress for a moment here. Remember that tweet I sent earlier? It turns out that BL&T deleted it from their stream (although I saved the screen shot, which I present above for your viewing pleasure in case you are not yet familiar with my incredible genius mind).
To take BL&T’s side for one second, I understand that they don’t want their entire stream littered with people ranting. They want Happy Shiny People, who only sing their praises in perfect harmony. And also puppies. But! This issue was on its way to being fixed. Can you see where I’m going with this? If you’re reading this, you do know–since some of my awesometasticness has rubbed off on you. After all, I have an infinite amount.
Instead of deleting the tweet, BL&T could’ve left it up, and shown the resolution. Instead, they chose to delete the tweet.
Ok. Digression over. You forgot that was a digression, didn’t you? So transfixed were you by the incredible storytelling of moi. Anyways, the guy is back now. He says, you’re paying for 6Mbps, but only getting 3Mbps, so you could downgrade and the line would be more stable.
He leaves. I thanked him warmly and did not punch him in the throat. (Hey, where’s my Nobel Peace Prize?)
At least now I had some answers, although still no stable Internet. And obviously somebody over there does know something.
I hadn’t called BL&T yet, when to my delight, they called me! Or actually, they had a robot call me, with a message saying they wanted to “close the ticket.” “Rutrow,” I thought. Close the ticket? Heaven forfend! Closing the ticket would mean all was right in the world of Internet memes (like my favorite: Grumpy Cat). And my Internet connection still had a big owie. Why would they close the ticket? Was night day? Was up down? Did cats not invent the Internet after all? I stayed in Phone Call Treelandia to make sure the ticket wasn’t closed.
Finally, after 10 minutes of entering phone numbers and tap dancing to the 1912 Overture, I hear the answer to my prayers: “Press zero to speak to a live operator.” Halleluiah! The cavalry will be here shortly! Then this: “We’re closed now. Call us back later.” OMG. Just when you think nobody has a sense of humor any more. When I get my own big company, I’m going to play this same prank on my tired, frustrated customers. Good one, BL&T! When the 2013 Prankie Awards are given out, you will be #1! Foam Rubber Finger!
But Wait! There’s More! Only not yet. How will this end? Will my Internet get fixed? Will BL&T get another nomination for the Prankies? Will the guy in the building next door stop playing that stupid kazoo? Has anyone seen my keys? Tune in next time for some answers. Maybe not to these questions, but you never know. Plus also more questions. And also maybe a recipe for BBQ sauce.
Calling All Spork Breakers
Have any of the rest of you ever been in a never-ending struggle? Are you also in the middle of a pitched battle? And how many sporks did you break before finding resolution? Please leave your rant below!