clowns Archives -

Avoid the Halloween Clown Apocalypse: How to Fight Back Ten Ways

You know that creepy clowns have gone mainstream when NPR is writing articles about them. We have always known that clowns were ghoulish, but now they seem to be everywhere. If you don’t believe me, here’s Coulrophobics Beware: America’s Creepy Clown Problem Continues.

There you are in your pirate costume, with your plastic sword and up pops a terrifying clown! What do you do? Here are some ideas.

Use Confetti

You’ve heard of fighting fire with fire, but what about fighting clowns? For this battle, you’ll need pies, confetti, and squirting daisies. Anything less will not do.

Scare Them Back

Like fighting a mountain lion, you must puff yourself up and look bigger in order to fight a creepy clown. Think big shoes and droopy pants and you’ll be a winner in the FrightFest!

When you know you're going to see this meme for the next month. #PhelpsFace pic.twitter.com/N3axBEK0hI

— M.A.Larson (@M_A_Larson) August 9, 2016

Don’t Engage

Like certain presidential candidates, making eye contact could just make it worse. If you can walk on by, do so! However, if you must make eye contact, make it powerful and intimidating. Think Phelps Face!

Chain Saws

Make sure they’re the gas-powered kind. If you have to plug in your electric chain saw, you’re only going to elicit laughter. And for Krusty’s sake, practice before you use one!

The Funniest Joke in the World

If you know the Funniest Joke in the World, now would be the time to tell it. Perhaps the clown will die laughing. Use this as a last resort, though.

Run Away

This works for many people. All you need are good sneakers and the willingness to run like hell. Simple, yet effective.

Don’t Post Where You Are on Social Media

Do NOT say that you have THREE HUGE BAGS of chocolate bars and you’re out trick-or-treating and post a picture of yourself on Twitter in front of a street sign with a hashtag of #yummy.

Cue from the Walking Dead

Take a Cue from the Walking Dead

What Would Carol Do? She’s my favorite character on the Walking Dead. Put that on your bracelet or bumpersticker and then act accordingly.

Hide Under a Rainbow Wig

Realize that your fear of clowns is probably worse than the clowns themselves. As this CNN story indicates, “the easiest explanation is that there really are a bunch of creepy clowns out there hell-bent on some nefarious end. Call it Occam’s Rubber Nose.” (Hilarious, right?)

Ok. Maybe that’s not realistic.

Check the Interactive Map of America’s Creepy Clown Epidemic

Have there been many clown sightings? How many in your area? Of course, it’s 2016 and you can check the map! Yes, you can. Here is the Interactive Map of America’s Creepy Clown Epidemic. I know: whoa.

How Will You Fight Back?

Since it’s a question of not IF clowns will try to take over the country, but WHEN they’ll try to take over, how will you defend yourself?

Secrets of the Social Media Circus

Social Media Clowns

If social media is a circus, it’s populated by many types of clowns. You’ve probably run across a few of them. And if you haven’t run across any of them, maybe you are one of them. Just sayin’. Here are some of the ones I’ve seen. And by the way, this post was inspired by a tweet from Bridget Willard. Thank you Bridget!

Almost Silent Mimes

Many circus scholars would argue that the mime is not a clown at all. Au contraire, mon frere! And is it any coinkydink that the true French pronunciation of the word “mime” is meme? There’s just gotta be a clownspiracy in there somewhere unless I took a wrong turn and ended up in Clown Alley.

Do not accept balloon animals from mimes

Silent clowns are clowns that you can’t really hear. They sometimes speak under their breath, but then pretend not to have said anything. They may comment on one of your Pinterest pins and mention someone else, and when asked about their comment, they don’t reply. Passive-aggression is a specialty of the Mime. Watch out for them, since they are the most difficult to “PIN” down (“get” that one?), and will always deny that they’re there. Also, don’t accept any balloon animals from them. And definitely don’t follow them on Pinterest!

Sad Clowns Say So Much

In contrast to the mime, the sad clown goes on and on. And on. They don’t care if anyone is even listening to them rant. The sad clown never shuts up in his anti-circus diatribe. If you try to talk to this lonely ringmaster, you will become a part of the sad clown’s rant, too. They can change the object of their grievance in less time than it takes to throw a pie. It’s less painful to jump off a tiny burning building through an empty stretcher or be shot out of a cannon than to listen to this rant. You’ve seen these guys overposting on Facebook, at all hours of the day and night. Do not get into the tiny car with this clown. There are already 25 other clowns in there.

Hobo Clowns

Akin to the Sad Clown, the Hobo Clown does whatever it takes to blame others for her woes so that she can avoid work and stay backstage at the circus. This sad sack believes that other clowns are to blame for her station in life. When the other clowns go out for a nutritious meal of cotton candy and Konfetti Koffee(tm), the Hobo Clown reaches down into her enormous pockets and pulls out the empty linings. Do not be tricked into paying the way for this Hobo! Unless you want to do us all a favor and buy her a one-way ticket back to Hoboken, that is.

Mean Scary Clowns

Do not get into this clown car

The mean scary clown might have a big, painted-on grin, but underneath beats the heart of pure evil. Maybe his wig is too tight or maybe his trick pants have a short circuit. Just because his clown tools aren’t adequate doesn’t mean he should take out his rage on others, but he does anyway because he’s evil. Do not accept a bouquet of wilted flowers from this clown. This is the clown on LinkedIn who sends you direct mail demanding help because his pants are on fire. Do not send your bank account number because this clown will steal your circus and take it to Nigeria. And that exploding cigar will take the entire clown fire brigade to extinguish.

More Clowns Are on Their Way

Clowns take a long time to go any place because they’re forever hitting each other on the head with frying pans or stopping to shop for tutus for their chihuahuas. More of them are on their way to you, so stay tuned! In the meantime, tell me what kinds you’ve seen in your social media! And do they frighten you?